Does a curse appear in the vaccum created by no blessing?

So I often get links from my "friends" on facebook.  Shhhh don't tell anyone but I rarely follow them.  If you are one of my friends and have sent me a link I am sure you are the exception to my general rule! Today I clicked on a link from a trusted source.  Even though she often posts link, which as I have said I rarely click, today I did and I read the following in a blog post:

"In the majority of moments throughout my day, I’m careless. Words come tumbling out of my mouth. I roll my eyes. I’m impatient. And in every small moment, with each person, I drop off a piece of my legacy. It’s uncomfortable to think about it this way. I want so much for my life to be defined by my larger, more grandiose, contributions. The volunteerism, the hours I qualify as God’s work, my well-rested, well-caffeninated moments. But, it doesn’t work that way. I make a choice in every single interaction whether I’m going to be a blessing or a curse to someone. Curse. That word has power. So do we. I make decisions all the time about who qualifies for my kindness, my patience, my love, and my sacrifice. I don’t have a pretty way to wrap this up, because I would be a hypocrite if I did. All I have is a realization that I want to be aware today and choose differently. And maybe the unease I feel this morning will inch me closer to being a person who loves without qualifiers. A legacy constructed of small, kind moments."

I added the itailics,bold and underline.  I often talk about living an intentional life.  As I say that, I guess I haven't said that in a while, but I have said that often.  Living intentional to be a blessing is difficult.  As I have been reminded so often that the best intentions can be misapplied by me or misunderstood by those around me.  Also, complacency and comfort eventually catch up and the effort that intentionality takes slides by the wayside. 
My hope is that as I follow Christ in my life and He continues to mold me (which includes creating beautiful things in me but also removing ugly things from me)  I get closer to a place where it is instinct to bless.  I desire this, I make effort to accomplish this, yet I am not sure if I am pulling it off as often as I give myself credit for.  (Ouch!) 
I reminded some students that I have asked to be student leaders that what I am really asking them to do is to put the needs of others in front of themselves, what I am really asking them to do is to serve people around them.  This is a lesson I needed to be reminded of today too I guess. 

The roar of silence

In the midst of life...I am struck today by the reality of presence. What does it mean to simply be in someones presence? What does it mean to just be with people? It seems like no matter the time there is a distraction available these days to interfer with just being with people. I see this with my wife. We have busy lives, between our jobs, maintaining our home, raising our daughters, and our other volunteer/etc. endevors. That is just to start with, then we both have blogs we follow, facebook accounts to maintain, magazines subscriptions, books on the night stands and on deck, email accounts to keep up with, extended family and friends. Oh yeah and TV shows to keep up with! Sitting in a room with no distractions, even if they are random thoughts that roam our brains about things on our to-do lists or soon to be to-do lists do not happen.

One of things that I do in my car is drive around with the radio off, no noise at all. I know this seems crazy right, it's not. I love music, but I never just get to be. How many relationships do you have where you can just sit next to them without feeling pressure to talk? And it doesn't get awkward? You don't have to fill the space with anything, even conversation.

How about these thoughts:
-Conversations are not as important as relationships.
-Production is not as important as people.
Okay these seem like basic thoughts and like common sense, but how often do we actually live this way? So often in my life I feel like I need to fill "empty" space with conversations whether they be facebook messages, chat or wall posts, emails, texts, phone calls, or actually the long lost relic of talking to another person's face. And unless I am "doing" something I feel lazy, unproductive, etc.
How do I continue to detatch myself and those I love from the distractions of the modern world from time to time?
Any suggestions?

journal 1-31

So I don't really consider myself a blogger. I don't think I am hip enough, just the fact that I just used the word hip should explain it all. Especially since I don't believe anyone is checking this it makes it feel more like a journal than a blog. I feel like blogs are places people go to learn things or feel connected with other people, maybe they are carthatic for different reasons. Regardless, of the reason I find myself writing tonight, I am writing.
I feel like in may ways I am at, maybe have been at a crossroads in my life. What's next? What is the next direction, the next turn, the next life decesion? I honestly don't know. I feel a little out of sorts. You know if I think about it I have a beautiful family, a job that I am successful at, a friend or two that I care for deeply. So I guess life is good. I guess....
Is it bad to look back at a different time in your life and crave the intimacy that existed then?
The friends in my life now are great, but they are a lot of work. The friends I used to have were easy, we knew each other inside and out, we had history, we shared victories and failure together. The friends I have now, we share life circumstances and common likes.
Life is just so busy. To find time to have a minute of one on one conversation with my wife is hard enough let alone be intimate. What does intimacy even look like or mean when you have two full time employed, full time parents, volunteers, etc. I honestly have no clue anymore.
I see my family rarely, I have meaningful conversations with them even less. I mourn friendships loss to life circumstances or simple inattention.
I don't think I am really depressed, maybe just a little lonely. Like I said at the beginning I am blessed. So I guess the question is why am I not content in what I have? I ask that question of many around me, "why aren't you content with what you have? ". In many ways I am sad because I feel like there is more to life than what I am experiencing and then on the other hand I feel guilty I feel that way as I look around and see so many who have it much worse than I.
Is the transition from 20 something to 30 something always this full of transition and emotional rollercoasters?
So i don't see my high school and college friends that often...
So my wife and I are rarely in the same room alone when one of us is not working on computer or phone or sleeping...
(The last time we were alone for more than two hours outside of our house was probably at a wedding in 2010 where we went back to hotel and worked and watched tv and feel asleep.)
So my friends now don't know me nearly as well as my previous friends...
So somedays I feel so small, like it doesn't really matter to anyone, for the most part, if i am here or not....
Tons of people only see their families on holidays, weddings and funerals....
Here I sit in a warm and beautiful house, with two nice cars in the garage, two beautiful daughters sleeping and a lovely wife inside and out putting them down. I am employed, doing something I feel called to and is rewarding. I have a flexible schedule and am about to get laser surgury on my eyes. My instinct is to say WTH man, get your #$%^ together. You have it made! Then why do I feel so.................. not sure how to end that question.
The nice thing is that no one will read this, and I think I will end it before I say something I don't want on cyberspace for eternity.

The Way We Pray NYWC Version « Videos « The Skit Guys

The Way We Pray NYWC Version « Videos « The Skit Guys
(just click on watch preview)
Hey I am researching prayer and seeking how to have a conversation with teenagers about it and I ran across this video by the skit guys. I am using Sunday, but I thought I would share it here as well. How often do we get mixed up about prayer by the folks around us, what it is suspoesed to be, what God wants from us, what the Bible says about it. This rings so true to me in my own prayer life and relationship with God.
Another great skit by them is titled God's chisel, we used it last week at a new service we are opening up to the Holy Spirit.
God bless.

the greatest evil v me, your going down!

Interestingly enough although it has been several months since my last post I haven't had much to post about or at least the words to post those thoughts in. Today I find myself with some words so here goes.

I have begun reading again, it is funny how that practice in my life accompanies fresh thought within me, I forget that my brain is a muscle as well, not that I am exercising my other muscles much, but whatever that is neither here nor there. I think that I went on a maternity leave with my wife, as my previous post talks about, we have another beautiful daughter in our family and even though her beginning was rough we have begun to plane out a little. Maybe we are just getting used to this life where we are playing one on one or are out numbered depending on how many of us are home. Now on to the reason for being here.

I have recently read two things that struck me and I wanted to write about them here. The first is PRIDE. CS Lewis calls this "the greatest evil", and I had coffee with someone this morning and as I was filling him in on my life over the past decade and a half, I thought how much of my life has been guided by this character flaw. Entitlement, overconfidence, superiority, false humility are some of the ways that the author explains for pride can rear it ugly head. Ouch, you know the first few I could explain away, but that last one...... I can't tell you how quick I am to do this, to 'act' humble, partly b/c of the christian sub culture I grew up in where you weren't supposed to take credit for good things, but also b/c I became so used to saying that I was nothing in order to gain encouragement or credit from others. I learned early in life if I did something good and then underplayed it, people around me would heap the praise on all the more. I can literally say that I have lived a large portion of my life trying to avoid credit so that I would reap the grander benefits eventually. I can remember hurrying to get things done so people wouldn't catch me.
I mean I tell people one of my downfalls or faults is pride because that is what your supposed to say, but really. Unfortunately, yes I live a life where I expect people to walk up to me and tell me how great I am because of how humble I am, what is that. As I write this so many things are clicking in my head and my heart, when I give my wife a gift I talk it down, even though I may have spent months squirreling money away or planning the reveal for just the right moment. I don't tell people just how big of a deal a few hours away from my home disrupts things. I play down the hours or days that I spend planning an event or evening, hoping that they will find out from a co-worker. In fact, I have found myself contemplating talking to people who I know will leak information back to someone, who I feel did not get just how awesome I was. Who is this person?

Yet, in the midst of searching for pats on the back or other forms of thanks, I have actually learned about true humility. Partially because I think this is how God created me and that is why this is the form pride takes in me, as I lean towards this naturally. Partially because I have become really good at not taking credit for things, so good in fact that people actually do completely miss just how awesome I am, routinely. Not sure how that could happen!

It is ironic that the me that God created to be used for His glory can so easily be taken over and used for evil or selfish gain. It amazes me just how intimately Satan knows me, or at least recognizes these qualities in me, that if fruitfully employed would manifest themselves in God reaping the credit and glory He deserves. Yet, I am so easily distracted, like making my daughter laugh when she is in the middle of a rant or tantrum, it feels good so she goes with it.

To segue very abruptly into the other thought that has been rattling around inside of me is the idea of not becoming a dead end and living life with God's eyes in play in my head, I hope. This sounds so obvious as I write it, that as a Christian, as a minister that I would live life trying to see the world around me through God's eyes and what he is trying to teach, show and have me engage in. One of the things that I think people in my generation and the folks coming behind me is the calling to engage in human rights and poverty issues yet not knowing where to start or how to decide what to do and thus get overcome with options and possibilities that we become paralysed into inactivity. One of the things that I am doing with my youth group kids is trying to help them see the things that God is doing in their world, I use the world perspective, but it could easily be called "seeing the world through God' s eyes. This is how I am trying to live myself, using the things that are happening right where I live to learn from God and hopefully as I have my head up I will see where He is active and calling me to engage.
I believe we all live a life surrounded by parables, we just need to 'see' them. For instance, my office door is directly next to a preschool drop-off and pick-up and I normally close the door so my focus is not lost to the crying or exuberance of the young children reacting to their parents, yet yesterday I walked in right at pick-up time and these kids were pouring out of the door and yelling "Mommy!" as if they had been stranded on a desert island for months instead of just playing and learning for 2.5 hours. Maybe I was acutely aware of this as my wife has had a tough week of returning to work after several months of being a full time mommy or maybe it is b/c we have been discussing preschool for my daughter or hopefully it was just because I had my God radar up. I couldn't help but think of Jesus' conversation where He said we must be like the little children. I thought is this how I go through life waiting in anticipation to see God come through the door, waiting to throw my arms around Him and hear those words "I Love you, Ben!" I also, cannot help but share this one. My daughter and wife have this new tradition that is beautiful and heartbreaking all in one. Robin was talking about going back to work to prepare Avary for this and was a little sad, Avary said, "Don't worry Mommy I will give you a hug and a kiss when you go to work so you won't be sad." This thought brought to mind a book that Avary and Robin maybe haven't read in a while, or perhaps Robin has brought out recently(which is probably more likely considering what a thoughtful mom she is), but it is titled , The Kissing Hand. The idea is that the child and mommy each deposit a kiss on the palm of each others hand and if during the day they miss each other they press that palm to their cheek and this is their secret little reminder that "Mommy loves me." or "Avary loves me." I watched them do this the first morning amidst the tears, mostly from Robin that morning as Avary was still waking up. Then, watched as Avary pressed her hand to her face repeatedly throughout the day, shouting the words "Mommy loves me." Yeah, touching, heartbreaking, and a wonderful testament to their relationship. This is how I want to live with God, carrying Him with me throughout my day, and as I go about my day knowing that He is thinking of me at every moment, and wants a detailed explanation of my day and more than that wants to be a part of every moment in that strange sort of back of your/front of your mind way.
He created me to use in the everyday moments: to bring joy to people around me, to have an empathetic ear and heart to the emotional current that surrounds me, to serve in a selfless way simply for His glory, to notice the way that He is active in our world and then not only engage but tell other people and bring them along for the ride and experience of playing a role in God's story. If you are still reading this, do me a favor and comment about the parables in the your world today or this week, I would love to hear about them.

Stella Janae- the star that God has answered our prayers with.

It has been awhile since my last blog and this is not a rare thing as I blog sporatically at best, sometimes that is because life is not changeing and somtimes that is because i can't keep up wit hthe changes enough to process them here. The latter is the case this time. We have a new daughter stella janae, she is a miracle, now I know all parents say that, but she literally defied modern medical knowledge to get to the earth breathing and with her heart beating. Recap: issues with getting pregnant, do ivf, pregnancy test positive:YES!, then 12 week ultrasound looks good, YES!, then 20 week U/S oh no, rupture "she isn't going to make it, you have to wait for her heart to stop beating then you will deliever her" Doctor quote. 23.5 weeks U/S "well you still have pockets of fluid and she is continuing to grow, let's check you into the hospital." another doctor quote. Cautiously optimistic. Then 7 weeks and a long summer of driving back and forth to hospital later get a call at 3:50a.m get to the hospital okay, roar to hospital throw jumpsuit and booties on walk into OR tying facemask up still and here is your daughter. Offically sshe was born at 4:46 aug 26th, which is 10 weeks early. Yep 10 weeks.
She is doing great she has moved from the nicu to NIm and she is starting to bottle feed and grow. We still are driving to the hospital and we long for the day when we are all under the same roof, which will come soon enough, but for now she is where she needs to be.
Wow yes a miracle baby, not that every baby isn't a miracle, but if you can qualify or quantify miracles this was a big one or a extra special one. We feel blessed to be blessed by another daughter, we had come to a point this spring when we were going to be a one daughter family and that was going to be good enough, but God had different plans and here we are. I still am a bit behind in the processing, so maybe I will put some thoughts out there at later date but for now Praise God and our God is Good.

Jesus' Joy

So I follow a blog from one of my old...friends, leaders, mentors not sure how to qualify our relationship, I am posting a quote from him a confession.
"I spent some time with some people who believe in God last night. For most of the time, we just admitted to each other how we were failing God. “I could do this better.” “I don’t ever do this.” “I know there is so much more that I should be doing.” I started thinking, “What kind of a God do I believe in?” Would he be one to point out all of my deficiencies, which I happen to be very adept at doing? Is that what he would spend his time talking about with me? Yet each of us in that room, seemed convinced we were failing God and his perspective toward each of us would be disappointment. Is that how you feel? Do you think that is how God feels when he looks at you? Disappointed? "

As I was reading this my first reaction was pity, as in I feel sorry for him b/c I know him and he is a good man. Then as I stepped back that emotion echoed within me, who am I to pity him, b/c this is not his emotion or just his confession, it is mine as well. Every time I try to put my eyes onto God, place my feeble emotions into Him, narrow Him into my experiences. I cannot help but think that if God who knows everything I think, everything I desire, every way that I actually respond inwardly and outwardly that God has to dread hanging out in my mind, He must look at me with eyes full of hurting tears, must shake his head at the lack of devotion I show him. Disappointed, yes, brokenhearted...sure.
This is painful....right now as i write this I am struggling with this reality, because there is a voice within me screaming no. Grace, peace, hope, love.... when I see you no matter the stain, you are clean. I have read a couple different places in scripture lately about Jesus' joy. His greatest hope for His disciples was that they could experience His joy.
It is not my place to humanize God, to try to limit His view of me to my feeble comprehension or vantage point, to listen to the voice inside me saying that I should give up because it is not worth the guilt that this relationship causes. Lie, deceit, compromise, etc.
The God that I love does not love like I love, incomplete and with pretense, as hard as that is to admit, He loves and cares for me in a complete and unconditional kind of way. Even as I write this it baffles me, that even though I am me, He loves me. This is what people mean when they say the greatest love story, when they talk about the greatest gift. As this truth continues to saturate my being I am reminded about a conversation I had with God this morning. We had a moment of silence at church for confession as we prepare for communion next week, and I was running through the laundry list and all of sudden I felt peaceful, not b/c I had these things off my chest, but b/c a thought occurred to me, I believe this was from the Holy Spirit. The thought was this, I am loved, full of faults but loved, everyday is a battle not to earn love, b/c that is one of the only constants I have in my life, God's love. Every day I wake up and go about my day making choices, some good, some bad, some good with the wrong motivation, sometimes I am just paralyzed or lazy, but God made His choice long ago and it is irrevocable, He loves me, He died for me, He hopes that I will continue to realize that His joy is what life is all about, but whatever my choices He loves me. In my world the inevitable end of hope is disappointment in so many places, eventually hope yields disappointment, so this is how I think of God that as He hopes for me, He is constantly disappointed, how could He not be, but to God hope doesn't end, it is not quantifiable, God is love and hope is a part of love. This is good news and these thoughts are me starting to be ready to see the glimmer of Jesus' joy in my daily life.